that's what I get for hoping...

I, of all people, should certainly know better than to get my hopes up in regard to a guy. Of course as soon as I did they were swiftly dashed.

In the course of any visit to the gym I see a great number of guys who I would love to get to know better, and would love to date - but of course, the ones I'm checking out are never checking me out so I just assume they are all straight. The ones I do see obviously checking me out are all fat and/or ugly. So one night I was out at the gay bars with my friends and I happen to notice a guy standing next to me [who is quite hunky] who seems familiar for some reason, but I can't quite put my finger on it... so I ask him "do you work out at 24Hr Fitness?" Yep. I had seen him at the gym. He hung out with me and my friends for most of the rest of that night, went dancing with us and everything. So I foolishly think there might be something there. Well, I gave him my card that night but he never called or emailed. I saw him at the gym here and there and we chatted [small talk.] He went on a business trip and I didn't see him for a few weeks. Then last night I saw him and chatted with him for a bit - and asked what he had going on. He was free, so I suggested we meet for coffee.

We met and the coversation was ok at first, but then as it went on there was a lot of awkward silence. I was trying to come up with stuff to talk about, but he wasn't really helping much. Finally he just said "well, thanks for meeting me" and as we walked out (in silence) he said "I'm sure I'll see you at the gym." I couldn't even think of anything to say. He was completely uninterested in me. It was basically a cold, hard, reject smackdown. I guess he only agreed to meet me to be polite. It probably would have been easier on me if he had just said, "no thanks, I'm really not that interested." Then at least I wouldn't have dared to hope that a date would turn out well...

So, after the super high of a great weekend with my travel group, there was this super low. I guess my only consolation is that I'm still able to feel sad and rejected. At least I can still feel that and know that I'm not completely dead inside. I guess if I felt nothing then that would mean I am basically just a zombie. Somehow I don't think that's far off, though... since I've never felt actual love, and any hope I might have had of ever finding any is long dead...

something I need to learn

I saw this quote today and it's definitely something I need to learn and apply to myself:

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.
-Robert Fritz

Pope? More like poop. lol

Not that I would ever give two shits about anything the Pope ever said, but this is a good article.

examining atheism

Tonight was a good night - I hung out with my sister and her family, and my friend Alicia came along with me. We had good food, and fun. I played Xmas hymns and we all sang. We got the boys all hyped up about Santa and Xmas and whatnot. Of course the subject of Jesus was at the forefront, being Xmas eve and all, and at one point in the evening Alicia and my sister both were talking about going to church and soundly assured me: "you'll be back." Of course, I've never been really good at debate, because I can't come up with the right response on the spot. All I could do was shake my head and disagree with them with my usual smile. That's very much why I prefer writing as a debate forum because it gives me the proper time I need to formulate a good response. Anyway, later I thought of what it was I should have come back to them with:

"Why would I go back? What does religion possibly have to offer me?" The whole time I was in my religion growing up I was not only deeply unhappy, but for my entire adolescence and into young adulthood I was totally suicidal. The only lasting feeling that the church and its teachings instilled in me was an intense and very real hatred of myself.

Suicide notwithstanding, what else does the church offer that I need? They offer to tell me who I am, what friends I should have, what I should or shouldn't do or think. They offer their control. That's basically it. "Give yourself to the church and we'll get you into heaven."

Well... what if I have enough knowledge of what's good and bad and the wisdom to exercise control over myself accordingly? What if I don't need to worry about whether I'll get into heaven or not - what if it's enough for me to just live a good life and be a good person? That means I don't need some old man's interpretation of a 2,000 year old storybook to tell me how to live my life. I'm smarter than that. The Mormon's argument, though is that they have a current prophet receiving revelation direct from God today. Uh, so... that's still some old man telling me who I am, when I already figured out that what they were feeding me all those years was not only damaging and wrong, but it was also complete BULLSHIT. It was only once I sat back from the table and took an honest assessment that I realized that's what I had been served my whole life, and I was tired of swallowing it. It was loathsome and disgusting and I kinda knew that all along, but because I had been trained since birth to just keep eating, I had kept trying to convince myself that I could do it and be happy. Well, just like eating shit in real life, there's no happy ending there. It will never make you feel good, and once you see it for what it really is you will NEVER go back to eating it again! So yea, I will definitely NOT be going back for another serving of that load of turd.

Now, with that said... I do not begrudge people their right to believe, or judge people for their belief. If it makes them happy and they find fulfillment in it, go right ahead and feast at that banquet. For you it may very well be the ambrosia that feeds and nourishes your soul. I wish happiness for all people, and if religion is where you find it then by all means, enjoy it. HOWEVER, don't try to "win me back" or to feel sorry for me, though, because I have never been happier. I absolutely LOVE living my life! [Something I would have never said while still a believer in the church.] Every day is a grand new adventure filled with endless possibilities. Yea, there's the mundane routine of a job that's "just work" but that doesn't get me down - it's a necessary part of life. There are bills that need to be paid. Hopefully I'll eventually transition into something more fulfilling as a career, and I'm working on that one little by little...

Anyway, the point is that I am accountable to no one but myself, and that's good enough. If I do something that wrongs someone else, I feel REALLY bad for it. Not because I'm worried about how God will judge me, but because I know that I should be better than that. Not because I'm worried about whether I'll get into heaven or not, but because of how I would feel if the tables were turned. There are good things taught in religion, which have been taught through all religions and outside of religion as well. The Christian version of it comes from Jesus and is most often quoted "do unto others as you would have done to you." That's my rule, and I like to say I do a pretty good job of following it most of the time. Most Christians believe Jesus made that one up - that he was the first one to think of that. Sorry - but just like the mythology on which Christianity is based, that one has been around a lot longer.

there's still time!

ok everyone - I saw a picture today of what I want for Xmas, so there's still time to get it for me! Here it is!

All I want for Xmas

As an Atheist, X-mas [which I'm perfectly happy to call Xmas - since I have no problem in {said with whiney Christian voice} "taking the Christ out of Christmas"] has little meaning to me. It stopped being fun a long time ago, when I stopped getting any more than one or two feeble presents. I still give stuff to people - mainly family - but the old adage " 'tis better to give than receive" really is just BS. Everyone loves to get stuff. My family has a gift exchange program whereby each 'family unit' gives to another. My sister in Arizona and her husband have my name and when I was out there for Thanksgiving they asked me what I wanted. I couldn't think of anything to tell them [maybe that's the reason I never get anything good.] I can think of a lot of things that would be nice to have, but I wouldn't ask them for because they're too expensive [i.e. - HDTV, HD Video Camera, etc.] but I don't really NEED those things, either. I'm perfectly fine living my life without them. The ONE thing I really WANT, though, no one can really 'give' me. I want a boyfriend. Despite all the stuff I do to stay busy, most of it just serves to keep me busy, and quench only a small portion of my desire to associate with people. There's still that big part of me that really wants to love someone. But I'm too picky, I know. I want someone I find attractive [rare] and someone who values fitness and works out on a regular basis [almost non-existant among gay guys.] So yea... I never get what I want for Xmas, so it doesn't really matter what material stuff I ask for.

best bumper sticker ever!

I saw this bumper sticker on the car I parked next to at the gym yesterday - I love it!